Ich bin gerade auf einen alten Text gestoßen, den ich auf dem Höhepunkt meiner Frustration als Single im Sommer 2015 verfasst habe. Heraus aus einer Sehnsucht nach Etwas, dessen Existenz man sich nicht mal sicher ist. Vieles hat sich seit dem geändert (ich bin zum Beispiel nicht mehr Single – ho ho!), einiges nicht. Gerade jetzt scheint die Frage, wie man die Welt retten könnte, noch wichtiger. Warum ich den Text in Englisch verfasst habe, kann ich mir im Nachhinein nicht erklären, war halt so. Muss man hinnehmen.
This goes out to all (single) people feeling lonely right now.
Sunday evenings have been hard for me, ever since I can imagine. I am watching the same movie at every end of the week: me being all lost in thoughts, doubting the existence of everything ever existed out there and trying to find answers to simple questions such as „is there more intelligent life in space?“, „how can I save the world?“ or „how can I visit all the places I wanna see in this world, be forever free but also a loving mother of two sons and a girl, have 5 dogs, no financial issues and a guy who loves me to death but who is not necessarily the father of all the three kids?“. I spent too many sundays thinking about love, what is right and what is wrong, narcism vs. empathy, egocentrism vs. unconditional care, pure feelings vs. being led by my ego and not being able to distinguish what the fuck I am feeling in fact… with the result of huge brainfuckness but missing the enlightening part where I would finally recognize what it is all about and why this topic seems to play a more important role in mine than in other people’s lives. Or am I just too honest and have no problem to admit that I won’t ever say „I am cool with it, there are other beautiful things in life!“ while I am about to die alone? I was never good at lying to myself. That makes things a lot more difficult. Combined with the inability to settle for less and accept things that are against my mind set, values, imaginations or expectations, chances are actually pretty good for me to die alone.
I have always preferred to live in my head and celebrate love as what I see it, out of fear, the „what I see it“ is just an overhyped construction of my hungry, sick brain than anything that exists.
I have escaped not only once out of a relation ship as soon as I saw the wave of truth running towards me. It’s like a Tsunami, first the withdrawal of the water where you can already see it coming, then the killerwave, that leaves nothing behind. I somehow always managed it to escape the killerwave and continue to live Woody Allen’s quote that „Only the unfulfilled loves are romantic“. The other interpretation is, that I started all my recent relation ships only if I already saw the sea pulling out… if the end is already certain. A surprising end would be too much of a loss of control.
I don’t know… I just know that I am sick of egocentrism, either my own or the one of others. I am sick of holding myself back. I am sick of empty whatsapp messages. I am sick of what people are becoming… blind dicks in space, fucking in all the directions but never coming. Choice overload. We are all searching for something whilst being not ready to invest anything and wondering why we’re empty. Victims of our own fear. We may loose something. Something may be taken away from us if we lose control or commit ourselves. Everyone’s thinking about the possible losses, but what about all the things we could gain? Love became consumption and I am not willing to become part of this poor movement. Love gives us the great opportunity to become the best versions of ourselves. I don’t want to swim on the surface, I want to dive with beautiful colorful fishes and not be afraid of seeing sharks. I want my deep sea monsters to meet his and turn into colorful fishes. Even if it sounds cheesy and Barbie and Disney. I want to fall and just breathe. Real shit.